S.A.D. Christmas

Image source: http://noticefurtheruntil.wordpress.com/2008/12/01/out-of-the-summer-of-hibernation-im-back/

Not everyone loves Christmas. Some of us dread the holiday season altogether. While Thanksgiving is usually alright, starting right afterwards comes that big holiday whirlwind that can feel like a tornado to some of us. Christmas songs are everywhere, stores are pushing their wares, children start working on their lists for Santa, co-workers talk about their Christmas plans. There's no escape from it all. You don't want to be the bah-humbug Scrooge type so you try to get into the spirit the best you can. Of course you wait until the last minute to try and accomplish everything you want to do and usually fail to do most, if any, of it. You want everyone you love to enjoy the day so you try to squeeze in time for each one. Thing is, what you'd really like most for Christmas is to hide away in your room until New Year's has passed. It might just be winter in general but it really feels like Christmas is the worst.

Sharing Another's Story

Today's post is going to be a little different. I posted yesterday on how I feel about the Mental Health crisis in this country. Today I am simply sharing a link to a very powerful story. It is written by the mother of a child with an undiagnosed disorder and covers her fears for her child, her family and herself. And it covers the minefield she has to tiptoe through to try and get a little (too little) help.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html?utm_hp_ref=tw


Written by Liza Long, republished from The Blue Review     I found it through Huff Post Parents


Something MUST be done in this country to prevent these kinds of stories and worse from ever happening again!

Mental Health Awareness, It's Past Time

A lot of positive attention has been focused on mental health issues in the last few years. The Silver Ribbon Campaign has been around since 1993 (renamed in 2004) with the goal of promoting public awareness, improving treatment and decreasing the stigma attached to those with brain disorders and disabilities. Celebrities have spoken publicly about their struggles such as Catherine Zeta-Jones dealing with bipolar disorder. Demi Lovato and Tracy Gold have shared with the world about their eating disorders. And depression, well it's hard to find many who don't deal with it at some time or other. Writers such as J.K. Rowling and Jenny Lawson, actors like Wil Wheaton, Owen Wilson and Heath Ledger, musicians like Mary K. Blige and Sheryl Crow, even well known athletes Terry Bradshaw and Mike Tyson are all known to be dealing with depression and/or anxiety disorders to varying degrees. If people with the talent, money and fan adoration these people have can succumb, every day folk like you and I are definitely not immune. I have written previously about my own issues.

But for every positive step made there arises a situation that reminds the world that not enough is being done:

A veteran with PTSD returns home to deal the best he can with what he has seen and done overseas. Not finding the help needed, the anger and confusion inside build. These eventually explode into a violent attack on someone they love or commit suicide.

A teenager so distraught and depressed over bullying that they can't see any escape, commits suicide because they don't understand there are other options.

Someone with a disorder such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder breaks with reality and commits horrific mass shootings on strangers.

There are horrible examples occurring every day. In the last week alone we have witnessed a guy with a rifle killing people in a mall, that completely tragic and senseless murder of those precious children in Connecticut, and just this morning a man shooting 3 people inside a hospital in Alabama. And those are just the ones with the big headlines. There are hundreds or thousands of others that don't make the national news. Now I realize that we don't know based on history and diagnosis for sure if these people were mentally ill. But we DO KNOW! Rational, reasonable people do not gun down 5 yr old children they have never met because they were having problems at home.

I am talking about horrific breakdowns in the providing of mental health care and treatment to citizens of this country. Whether it is from families and friends ignoring signs, thinking their loved ones are OK, just a little different or because they would be ashamed of seeking treatment for themselves or a family member. Some hope the problems will go away in time because treatment is too hard to come by, is too expensive or too inconvenient to add into their already hectic schedules. The aunt of the shooter in Connecticut said that if there were any mental health concerns the boy's mother would have taken action, that she "wasn't one to deny reality". But his brother stated there were concerns the guy had some type of autistic disorder. Law enforcement states there may have been a personality disorder. Obviously! 

Now I'm not saying that all people with depression or autism are potential killers. These are just a couple of the armchair diagnoses being made in this case. Actually, those with autism are more likely to be the victim rather than the perpetrator of violence. But it is painfully apparent that there was more going on here than a kid being upset with his parents getting divorced a few years ago! What I am saying is that events like this cannot stop us from admitting there may be a mental health problem within ourselves or in our family. 

People need to pay better attention to each other; in their families, among their friends, even at work. If we see red flags, talk to the person or get someone better equipped than yourself to talk to them. Parents, don't just assume it's just a growing phase if they become withdrawn and isolated. You could be saving your child's life.

Doctors need to look for warning signs in all patients. Teachers, school counselors, coaches, anyone who interacts with kids on a regular basis should be aware of potential problems or sudden changes in a child's emotion/psychological behavior. 

There is still much work to be done. We have to let people know it is alright to seek help when it's needed. Help has to be available and affordable so it can be accessed. We need better screenings to identify those who don't realize they need help. We can't hide our heads in the sand and pretend this will go away.

Above all, if you feel you need help, get it! You won't regret it.

A Difficult Realization

picture from www.zazzle.com/thebloggess

The other day I wrote that I had locked myself out of my car. Today I managed to lock myself out of my house. In both instances the keys I needed were right in plain sight. Through the car window I could see my car key right there on my front seat. The house key was right in the middle of the table by the front window. The cat was kind enough to climb into the window to stare at me, opening the curtain in the process. It was almost as if she were asking, "Are these what you want?" If I were able to reach through the glass, I'd have had to reach no further than a foot. Of course, despite my best efforts I was not able to unlock the doors in front of me without help.

I wonder if maybe the Universe is using these smaller events to teach me a much bigger lesson. Two months ago I wrote about how in late 2011 I was dealing with a bad bout of depression and how I felt that "some of us are locked in prisons of our own making". I moved past that depression as I stated with the help of therapy and medication. After a while I started feeling pretty good and as I wrote, "...am happy and contented with my  life overall." 

See that last word? Overall. It means in general I am happy. But not in all ways. Despite that, I told myself I was well enough to stop the meds. My emotions were back, I was feeling everything around me again. I was getting out and doing things and enjoying them. Good enough right? Wrong. What I hadn't really allowed myself to acknowledge is that no, even 2/3 of a life is still not a full life! While I believe I am good at my job and while there are residents there that are as dear to me as my own family, I do not enjoy it any more. I have locked myself into it because it's what I have done for almost 20 years and I am afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I left nursing completely for a brief time but came back. I became a paralegal and worked as a nurse paralegal and I worked for Medicare for a few years but everything used my nursing background. After moving to Oregon I found myself back in the nursing home as a Charge Nurse. 

In all of these jobs I have been immersed in the pain and suffering of other people; the patients or residents themselves, their families, it takes a toll. Sure there are moments of joy too but they are all too brief. Anyway, what I am getting at is that I have been forced to see that I do still need my meds, I am not 100% and I still need help. I may not be in the deep darkness of a depressive episode but my moods are still not totally in my control either. It's still depression and it still sucks!

I have reached a point where I now resent the emotional turmoil my job requires of me on a daily basis. I'm not simply talking about the residents here either. With a good support system and co-workers who are also working their hardest at meeting the needs of the residents, the ups and downs are bearable. When I began this job 3 years ago, that was in place. In the beginning I looked forward to each day because of the people I worked with and worked for. Things have changed dramatically in the last year or so. I have thought of leaving many times but didn't because of the residents. I attempted to write it all off as economically driven. "Everyone is stressed, we're all in this together" was my mantra. I even tried to find logic behind injustices to other nurses I worked with, although I couldn't find a valid reason for what I was seeing done. It didn't and still doesn't make any sense.

It was easier to go with those ideas while I was on my medication. I realize now that once I had stopped taking the pills, my patience was not what it should be. I convinced myself that it wasn't an issue but everything gets to me. Small things with co-workers angered me. I would be sharper than I should be with C.N.A.s. And though I hate to admit it, I have been abrupt and curt with residents a couple of times as well. I was never loud or cruel, just obviously impatient. And inappropriate and rude. That is never justified even when you are answering the same question for the thousandth time that day.

So, what's the answer? I am back on my anti-depressant as of yesterday. I am accepting that I need help to unlock the door to what I need; whatever it is I am supposed to be doing. I will be making a therapy appointment when the phone lines open on Monday. I will be doing a personal assessment of what it is that I really want to be doing with the next 20 years of my life rather than what I have done for the last 20. And mostly, I will be true to me and take care of myself!

To The Max!

Today and tomorrow are my 2 days off this week. My daughter Mai and I had planned to spend today doing a little cleaning and putting up our Christmas tree and then tomorrow finding some interesting thing to do outside of the house. This is Oregon so we've had a stretch of several days of rain and we were expecting more of it. This morning however, we woke up to mostly blue skies and a pleasant, only slightly chilly day. Naturally we decided to flip our plans since there's no guarantee that tomorrow would be as nice.

After an hour of trying to plan something we decided to just play it by ear and see what we found. Instead of driving around wasting gas and paying for parking in town, we drove over to the TriMet Max light rail station close to the house. We got day passes for the train, picked a direction instead of a destination and went looking for our adventure. Now Mai rides the train to work all the time so she is used to it. This was only my 2nd time, the first being several months ago and only for a very brief distance. She got to show me how it all worked. She has all the color coding and route maps down to a science! We picked the green line to the Rose Quarter and switched to the blue line and headed towards Hillsboro.

The first train wasn't very crowded, mostly people obviously headed home from work. It was fairly uneventful with the exception of the brake locking up for a few seconds when the driver was slowing down. A few people got a little closer to each other. The second one though was wall to wall people. Now Mai and I both enjoy people watching but from looking around you would think we were the only ones. Not one person on the train made eye contact with anyone unless they were together. They read books, listened to music on headphones or poked around on their cell phones. If they were without a physical barrier they simply stared out the windows or down at the floor. Honestly I was expecting a lot more of the weirdness that Portland is famous for.

We wound up riding all the way to Hillsboro only to switch directions and ride back into downtown. After a quick cup of coffee and a little wandering, we headed to Hamburger Mary's for dinner. It was slow and a little early so we didn't hang around too long. From there it was off to Ground Kontrol for some old-school video games and a couple of drinks before reversing course and heading home.

We got back to the station where the car was parked and I couldn't find my car key in my purse. I did find it though, on the front seat of my locked car. No problem, called for help and had a coffee while we waited. It took the guy longer to fill out the paperwork than it did for him to unlock the car.

You might be thinking this doesn't sound like much of an outing but it was. It was really wonderful to see my daughter so relaxed and hear her laughing so freely, especially since only a few days ago she ended her relationship with her boyfriend of over 2 years. She has finally freed herself of the weight of taking care of someone who refused to take care of himself. She's growing and finally learning that her needs are important too. She's seen that a healthy relationship shouldn't require her to make herself less that she is meant to be. The string has been cut, the weight is off and she is free to fly.