A Difficult Realization

picture from www.zazzle.com/thebloggess

The other day I wrote that I had locked myself out of my car. Today I managed to lock myself out of my house. In both instances the keys I needed were right in plain sight. Through the car window I could see my car key right there on my front seat. The house key was right in the middle of the table by the front window. The cat was kind enough to climb into the window to stare at me, opening the curtain in the process. It was almost as if she were asking, "Are these what you want?" If I were able to reach through the glass, I'd have had to reach no further than a foot. Of course, despite my best efforts I was not able to unlock the doors in front of me without help.

I wonder if maybe the Universe is using these smaller events to teach me a much bigger lesson. Two months ago I wrote about how in late 2011 I was dealing with a bad bout of depression and how I felt that "some of us are locked in prisons of our own making". I moved past that depression as I stated with the help of therapy and medication. After a while I started feeling pretty good and as I wrote, "...am happy and contented with my  life overall." 

See that last word? Overall. It means in general I am happy. But not in all ways. Despite that, I told myself I was well enough to stop the meds. My emotions were back, I was feeling everything around me again. I was getting out and doing things and enjoying them. Good enough right? Wrong. What I hadn't really allowed myself to acknowledge is that no, even 2/3 of a life is still not a full life! While I believe I am good at my job and while there are residents there that are as dear to me as my own family, I do not enjoy it any more. I have locked myself into it because it's what I have done for almost 20 years and I am afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I left nursing completely for a brief time but came back. I became a paralegal and worked as a nurse paralegal and I worked for Medicare for a few years but everything used my nursing background. After moving to Oregon I found myself back in the nursing home as a Charge Nurse. 

In all of these jobs I have been immersed in the pain and suffering of other people; the patients or residents themselves, their families, it takes a toll. Sure there are moments of joy too but they are all too brief. Anyway, what I am getting at is that I have been forced to see that I do still need my meds, I am not 100% and I still need help. I may not be in the deep darkness of a depressive episode but my moods are still not totally in my control either. It's still depression and it still sucks!

I have reached a point where I now resent the emotional turmoil my job requires of me on a daily basis. I'm not simply talking about the residents here either. With a good support system and co-workers who are also working their hardest at meeting the needs of the residents, the ups and downs are bearable. When I began this job 3 years ago, that was in place. In the beginning I looked forward to each day because of the people I worked with and worked for. Things have changed dramatically in the last year or so. I have thought of leaving many times but didn't because of the residents. I attempted to write it all off as economically driven. "Everyone is stressed, we're all in this together" was my mantra. I even tried to find logic behind injustices to other nurses I worked with, although I couldn't find a valid reason for what I was seeing done. It didn't and still doesn't make any sense.

It was easier to go with those ideas while I was on my medication. I realize now that once I had stopped taking the pills, my patience was not what it should be. I convinced myself that it wasn't an issue but everything gets to me. Small things with co-workers angered me. I would be sharper than I should be with C.N.A.s. And though I hate to admit it, I have been abrupt and curt with residents a couple of times as well. I was never loud or cruel, just obviously impatient. And inappropriate and rude. That is never justified even when you are answering the same question for the thousandth time that day.

So, what's the answer? I am back on my anti-depressant as of yesterday. I am accepting that I need help to unlock the door to what I need; whatever it is I am supposed to be doing. I will be making a therapy appointment when the phone lines open on Monday. I will be doing a personal assessment of what it is that I really want to be doing with the next 20 years of my life rather than what I have done for the last 20. And mostly, I will be true to me and take care of myself!